Why say Yes when you want to say No?

One of my college teachers used to keep repeating this and sometimes used to write on the board as thought for the day: Don't say Yes when you want to say No.

I have had a number of experiences where I have said yes to things I didn't want to do. I am sure many others would have the same experience.

After doing things like this, I used to end up feeling frustrated with myself for
a> not having the ability to have said no (some times when I should have told on the person's face) and endend up with extra work/unwanted dinner/unwanted company etc.
b> for allowing the person to take me for granted and risking a similar thing again.

By some chance if I had said "No" to something, I would sit fretting and feeling bad about why I told a "No". What would that person think of me. And if the reason/pretext/excuse I have given is not strong enough, what if I fall flat while convincing. Note that I had to give some pretext to say No, never that I don't want it this way and so my answer is No.

I guess a lot of times, your childhood experiences play a very important role. The way you have been brought up and whether you had enough freedom during your childhood days to express yourself, how your minor mistakes have been treated by your parents, elders etc. Were you reprimanded for every small mistake or treated like "prince/princess" of the house.

At least in my case, I was never treated like the princess of the house. And during our childhood days, we children had to keep our mouth shut in front of elders. And accept and abide by what ever was told to us. After all, that was the sign of a good, obedient child in those days. So, even to express simple desires or feelings, we children used to hesitate. I guess the same hesitation got carried forward to teenage and adulthood. And somewhere down the line, we forgot what we really felt like and whether that feeling (may be anger, jealousy, hatred etc.) was even justified.

So, even after marriage, the same thing continued. From "Malini, wear that pink dress..." but no, I want to wear the green dress to "Malini attend this party with us", but no, I don't want to attend, I have an office call to take.

I have found that some people are adept at getting a "Yes" out of you even when you don't want to say so.
Here I am not talking about office life scenarios because that is totally a different story. Whether you want to tell a Yes or No, depends on a lot of things in office life. And needs to be handled differently. What I am talking about here is the personal life where your own friends, family and acquaitances are involved.

After having said a yes and allowed yourself to be taken for granted you end up feeling resentful and the same feeling builds up each time you are taken for granted and finally one day you can take it no more.
Instead of bringing yourself to that stage of desparation, it is better to say No and risk being in the bad books of that person especially when the demands are not justified.

It is only now when I sit and analyze and try to understand my own feelings, that my thoughts are clearing up and I realize that some of the feelings are justified but need to be handled.
As I introspect, I realize that many times, I have told yes because
1> I am not clear with my own thoughts and don't know what I wanted.
2> Fear of rejection in a group and so say yes to every unwanted dinner, picnic etc. etc.
3> Fear of hurting another person's feelings (don't know where from I got this) and fear of being the (not called) "bad person".

Point 3 must have come from our moral science stories which we read during school days. I am not saying that moral science stories have given us a completely skewed view of what is wrong and right, but I feel many things need to be seen in right context.
As I analyze and look at the whole picture, I begin the understand that by saying "no" you are not being "bad" or doing so because you want to hurt the other person.
Slowly as I understand this, I can now say to No to things I want to say No. Of course, I still do believe that one has to be tactful and graceful when refusing anybody. A direct on the face "No" may not be appropriate.

True Inspirations!

Though this was not on my mind earlier when I thought about what to write next in my blog, I felt compelled to write about it.

Yesterday, I watched on Zee T.V a programme called Dance India Dance.
I saw, Rashpal Kaur, a blind lady who performed martial arts on stage. It was so good that I did not even want to blink my eyes lest I miss something.

In case you have not seen this, you have really missed something. Never mind, you can always check it up in Dance India Dance's web page

http://danceindiadance.in/videos/2009/dance-india-dance-24th-april-videos/

When GrandMaster Mithunda told all 165 country viewers to stand up and give her a "Grand salute", my husband and I instantly stood up without any hesitation and gave her all the respect that she truly deserves. Later I read in the comments section of the Dance India Dance web page, that in a restaurant in the U.S, all the guests watching this(who were Americans), stood up and gave her a grand salute too.

Truly, she is an inspiration not just to women all over the world but to man kind. Her life goes to show that a person can do what ever he or she genuinely wishes despite adverse conditions.

One more thing that amazed me about her, is her attitude and faith in God. Many a times, when faced with adverse conditions, we pray to God and in case what we wish does not happen, we end up feeling dejected and feel that God has let us down. Atleast in my case, I have felt this way and many a times, my faith has dwindled. But in Rashpal's case, she has not even seen her baby till today. Despite that, she has deep faith in God and in her Guruji.

Earlier, I had also seen Kamalesh Mehta perform on stage and was awe struck at his resolve. Despite serious adversities he was able to perform with conviction on the stage.

What I admire most is these people are strong from within which is why they do not feel inadequate in any way compared to others. I am sure, these people would have gone through the cycles of trauma and desparation, but they were able to overcome it, embrace life and emerge victorious. At the end of the day, what is it that we remember about Rashpal and Kamalesh;definitely not their adversities, but their resolve, faith in themselves and God.

Truly, Rashpal, Kamalesh, you both are my inspirations! You have definitely taught me some much needed lessons of life.

The humble Indian maid

Today, I started services with a new maid agency for part time house cleaning. Hey, I am not lazy, but it is a very tiring job and I am not ashamed to tell that I need help. But, as I am supervising the new maid with her chores, I can't help but think of my maid in India, Vasantha.

It was when we moved to Jayanagar in Bangalore that I met Vasantha. I had tried a couple of other maids but was not happy with them. Either, they would not come on time or would not do the work properly or would charge me heftily for nothing. Frustrated, I told my neighbour. She suggested me to employ the maid working in her home, Vasantha.

Vasantha came to our house with all rolled gold jewellery and beaming. I employed her for a sum of 300Rs. to sweep, scrub our one bedroom house and wash the vessels and wash the clothes and the cleaning of the front yard everyday that happens in traditional houses. If I think back now, I feel what a paltry amout I was paying her for doing this job everyday, without any holidays. Of course, I had told her to take off once a while so that she could go and see her daughter in the village.
And though she demanded for a saree for every festival, I convinced her that for Deepavali and Pongal, I would give her a saree since I myself would not be buying new clothes for every festival.

So, every morning, Vasantha would turn up at 7:30 A.M and start her job. By the time, I would get ready to go to office around 8:30 A.M, most of her chores would be done except washing clothes. She would finish that by the time my husband left for office around 9:15 A.M. This was the routine every day. On Saturdays and Sundays, unless I told her to come in early, she would be coming in late so that she did not wake us up early.

Vasantha had 4 daughters. Her husband was always unhappy for this. He wanted a son. Though he was not the types to drink and beat his wife, he was the type to keep borrowing money from others. He did not have any stable job, so the responsibility of repaying the loan was on Vasantha. Since she could not meet ends with her earnings, she had left one of her daughters in the village with her mother. She, her 3 children and husband used to stay in a small room shared with her husband's brother, wife and son in the slum of Tilak nagar near Jayanagar. Despite this, she would always try to keep a smiling face. (I really ought to learn this from her).

So, my daily routine was set. I did not have to go behind her and supervise since she had got used to working in my house and she knew what I wanted. This was really a comfortable arrangement for me. Though her work was not excellent, I liked her attitude. Never, would she say no to any work. She would do all the work smilingly. And she was very reliable too. Once my husband had forgotten 2000 Rs. in his trouser pocket which she found while washing. Promptly, she came and returned it to me.
She herself used to offer to clean the windows and take the cobwebs off once in a month in return for a small amount of old semolina to prepare uppittu for her children or some of my old salwar kameez for her daughters.

For the festival, I gave her a new saree (quite unusal, if I think of how bad the culture is in India to give only old worn out clothes to the maids). It was yellow saree with a beautiful border. She was so happy with this that she wore it one day and showed it to me. Once in a while I would give her glass bangles, which she would accept very happily telling nobody else gives her all these.
The only grouse she had in my house was she would not get anything to eat or drink. I wish I could have done something for that, but since I would be literally in running mode every morning to catch the office bus I really could not help it.

This was really a comfortable arrangement for me. After a couple of months, she did not turn up for some days. Since there was no contact number, and since she usually would inform me beforehand if she needed some days off, I was worried that something had happened to her. I enquired with the neighbours and even they did not know.

Finally, she came back after 15 days, in which time, I had tried 2 maids and shown them the door. She apologized profusely and told me that her daughter had to be admitted to hospital because of some respiratory problems. I told her it was okay that she took off, only that it would be good if she can inform me. So, she got back to work and ensured that she informed me of her absence in advance (rare quality in maids).

She worked in my house for nearly 4 years after which we built our own house and moved in. By this time, I was paying her only 400 Rs. per month. She was there for all the work during the house warming ceremony, even stayed in the night before the puja in the new house. I had to rely on her only for all the work since the contract workers were not doing a good job.

I really, did not expect that I would find such a reliable maid. She was there even during the Grihapravesh of my parent's house. Even my parents praised her for her attitude and told me that though her work was not excellent, she was really a find.

After I moved in to the new house though, I could not use her services because she was staying too far away, and she did not really know how to commute by bus and which directions to follow. When I told this reason to my parents, they could not belive it that she is not smart enough to commute by bus on her own. Well, I can since I know that she only a "small village" girl who is not used to travelling without her husband or another male relative.

So, that was the end of my association with Vasantha. Since I was happy with her services all along, while parting I gave her another good saree and some money. She too felt very bad and was moaning that she is going to miss me.

After Vasantha, I never have got such a reliable maid. In my new house, I tried a couple of maids. One was a psycho (I get chill in my spine if I think of her). She was fine all along, I don't know what happened to her. She had lost her baby a year ago and after that she was not mentally stable. Somehow, I had not detected this when I had employed her. Day by day, her behaviour was bewildering. One day she would come and sit crying in my house and when I ask her, she would hug me tightly and not let go of me. Another day she would come and ask for egg knowing fully well that I was a vegetarian and did not eat egg.
I enquired others where she worked and they informed that of late her behaviour was totally frightening. Even in their house, she used to keep playing with the dolls and not do her work. Or sometimes, when they would ask, just look at them with frightening anger in her eyes. Then one fine day she did not turn up. Later in the day, I received a call from a lady who I believe was her care taker since her childhood. She informed me that her mental condition was very bad, so she had to be taken to a pscychiatrist. I discontinued services with her and looked for another maid.
In the mean time, I used to sweat it out everyday trying to keep my 4 bedroom house clean, all the while cursing myself for having wanted a big house.

After a couple of days, another maid came by who would finish the job in the neighbour's house and then come by to my house. By this time I had quit my job to stay home and so could afford to wait for her.
If anything she was a little better the previous one, but could not understand anything since she did not know the language I speak. She would stand staring at me, while I tried frantically to make her understand what I was trying to say with all the sign language I knew. Then, she would slowly move and start with some work and I would run behind her to say, that was not what I meant.
This went on for about 4 months by which time, I had tried to learn her language but failed.
Then finally one day, she came crying to my house indicating that the neighbour has accused her of stealing a gold chain. Later the neighbour came and told me all that happened indicating that there was no way anybody else could have taken that chain. So, this maid ended up in jail and was later let out on bail I guess. But that was the last I saw of her. Her daughter in law came and collected her dues from me.

After that, again the same drudgery of cleaning and swabbing the floors. After a couple of months I found another maid who demanded huge money. I had no choice but to give in. Even she left within a short time.
And now, I am in Singapore where hiring a full time maid servant is not only expensive but is troublesome too. The person hiring has to take care of medical insurance, take care of their regular medical checkup, sponsor their visit to their home town. So, now I have hired a part time help for a sum of 50$ for min 4 hours weekly. Though it is not as comfortable as having a maid do your job every day, it is still okay.

The new maid Suwin is doing a professional job. However, I can't help but think how much I am missing Vasantha. How I almost took her for granted. And she would hardly complain telling me "Akka, (elder sister), we maids are there for doing work, so just sit and take rest and tell me and I will do it". That was my humble Indian maid!